Writing this with a rock in my throat. If your'e a crier like me that sentence may resonate with you. I'm holding back tears because I'm writing. I'm back home. The lights are on after a month. Took a vacation, hit a lot of dead ends that led to emotional pain which led me with no other place to go but back home.The place that never could never hurt me. Writing never made me hurt. It's comforting. It's like a big hug that makes me forgive myself.
Yet why am I holding back tears. I feel like I don't deserve to write after so long. That my words have lost meaning. I feel guilty and underserving of feeling comforted with every word I type because of how long I've been away.
How could I stop doing something that makes me feel better?
I don't have a full answer to this. All I can say is that it's because I'm human. I know that sounds like a bruh moment. It's true though. I can't imagine a world where humans would 25/8 do what makes them feel good all the time. If that was the case where would heartbreak come in? Where would risks have a place? Or anger. Or envy. Or embarrassment. How about failure?
I heard this one lyric. It was something along the lines of how beautiful it is that no matter how far I stray away, my Lord is always there with open arms.
If your'e not familar with Christianity or having a relationship with God, what straying away means to do things that are not alligned with what God called you to do. What He calls us to is unique to each and everyone of us. For example I feel called to write. Think of it as a special gift. Besides our special gift, each of us are called to follow the same set of set of rules aka The Commandments. Some including honoring your parents and not stealing.
I don't think God expects us not to stray or do no wrong. I think the quite opposite. He just wants us after we stray to come back home and to learn to act in a higher manner so we don't go off straying and getting brokenhearted over the same things again.
Writing offers me to see exactly that. I get to reread some of my blogposts, articles, journal entries and reflect and understand what worked out and what didn't so I can move forward. I can't do that if I don't write. I can't see what can improve if I never turn on the lights in this home.
Beautiful indeed. I strayed for a month from writing here. I was scared to come back. Embarrased I havent written. Yet I am back because this is my home. With every word I write and every letter I press on my keyboard, nothing hurts. Nothing makes me feel bad. Home should always make you feel welcomed. Never judged. Never holding you to farfetched standards. Just waiting with arms wide opened and a whole lot of love.
I was feeling scared because in the month I've been away from writing and strengthening my skills, I was out being the one of the most ugliest versions of myself yet I come back to a place that doesn't judge me when I feel like is should be.
Oh man, here comes that rock in my throat again.
My home is God. My home is Jesus. My home is a pencil and piece of paper. My home walks on legs and plays soccer. My home loves telling stories. My home is creative. My home loves music. My home wakes up every day and goes to work courageously. My home hugs my feet. My home makes dinner at 2pm. My home is me.
No matter how far or long I stray. I know I can always come back and every time I do it makes leaving 10x more hard. And good thing.
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