One of my brothers recently asked me the following question:
How do you talk with God about your hard questions about life and yourself?
To answer that, I need to first identify what hard questions I have with life and myself.
The term hard, is an adjective. Means firm or something done with a great deal of force/ strength.
So questions that lie under this might be:
Why do people die?
Will I ever be romantically loved?
Am I not good enough for this job?
Am I a bad person?
Should I drop out of college?
Etc. Etc.
These are generally considered to be hard questions because they evoke a great deal of force. Causing, most of the time, overwhelming emotions.
When I was younger, the hard question I asked myself was why people don't recognize how loved they are.
I found an answer good enough to calm the stress of this hard question after celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain took his own life.
My father and I watched his Vice travel documentaries all the time. I was fascinated and it was instilled in me as a young teen that I wanted to do what Bourdain did.
The day I found out he had committed suicide, I had just arrived home in the evening with my parents from running errands. My father said it. My mother reacted to it. I was silent.
Then I went to my room upstairs and started to uncontrollably sob. I think my mother sensed I was disturbed after hearing the news because she had come up to check on me shortly after the waterworks began.
I laid my wet and snotty face on her chest, being caressed by her warm embrace. Breathing heavily in between words saying"Why would he do that? He had a family? He is so loved. Doesn't he know that God loves him? He's so smart and cool. I love him. I wanted to be like him."
Through reading, and hearing different perspectives, I have been satisfied with the answer that life is just so overbearing and hard for some people, it hardens their hearts, making them feel isolated, feeling as if they are better off not here. This is something I am not responsible for, so long as I am a kind person and share love. It's a sad reality and conclusion, but one that helps lift a lot of the heaviness off my heart
This was one of those moments that stick with you forever. This is what fans of the marvel universe call a cannon event.
This moment when I was 16, set me up with a perspective that I pray I keep for the rest of my life, f it is in God's will. That was one of the two heavy questions I have asked myself all this time I've been living. The heavy question I have now and find myself pondering is why I am loved so much.
A lot of people would die for this and would be grateful. I am grateful. It is just so overwhelming sometimes. To know how blessed and fortunate I am, that others aren't as much.Or to know that, despite all my flaws, there is a God who loves me unconditionally. WHAT TYPE OF CRAZINESS IS THAT?
I don't know the answer to this and I'm not satisfied with "that's just the way it is". But I'm sure when I figure it out, you'll read a blog post about it.
I have trained my brain to have a dependency on the idea that no matter what, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. That as long as I do things with grace, faith, hope, and love, I will get through anything. And that there is a God who will bless me with wisdom when I face uncertainty and new challenges that raise hard questions.
This way of life is not something that was just within me. I had to put in the work to change my perspective on how I view the hard questions.
The way I did this was by reading books on how to manage stress, and how to live an optimal life. Listening and watching videos or podcasts on people who have gone through similar life experiences and made it through a better being. This process wasn't a simple transaction. I challenged ideas, refuted some, and argued. But always made an effort to actively be open-minded.
You may not be a bookworm, and that's okay. But there is power in seeking knowledge outside of your own. There is power in actively listening to others wiser than you are. There is power in reflection and removing bad habits that hinder your beautiful self awaiting to blossom. Find whatever medium best suits you because it will help ease the heavy questions and mold them into refining lessons for your life.
Don't spiral down the rabbit hole for too long in your day. Too many reflections rob you of the life that you are meant to go out and experience. Also, I advise you to not go through it alone. Again, don't rely on your own wisdom. If you had the answers you probably wouldn't be having a heavy question making you rethink your entire existence.
Cry it out, laugh, talk, yell, and even run with a trusted friend through this process. It makes it all the much lighter.
Life is obviously difficult, but not seeking wisdom and living your life the same consistent way, makes it even harder (might I add boring). We are all students of the human experience. So humble yourself, and ask God for some courage. If you are scared to search the depth of your life, then you are no match for whatever is outside of you.
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