So that’s it. We just move on?
I was at work when I heard the news. It didn’t give me that striking fear that Parkland gave me. I questioned whether it was because I am desensitized. I think that plays a factor but I realize I didn’t get that striking fear because I graduated high school. For me, graduation wasn’t just a rite of passage that sends you off into the real world. It meant there was one less target on my back.
In the past two days post the shooting in Uvalde, I hung out with my boyfriend. I went to a local color run in my community. I went shopping. I laughed. While I was enjoying myself with loved ones, I often found myself freezing. I felt guilty. I still feel a bit guilty. I asked myself, why am I celebrating when families are experiencing sorrow?
I have never seen my community “move on” so fast. What made me write this is that I was contemplating all last night and this morning about whether I should post a thread of my outfit on Instagram. I felt I would be taking the attention away from those babies whose lives were lost. It all just seems so soon. It hasn't even been a week and people are posting whatever. It feels as if the time for grief and compassion is getting shorter and shorter.
When George Floyd was brutally murdered I was so angry and took that anger to outcast people I grew up with who weren't using their platforms to advocate and raise awareness for police reform. I used to think anyone not reposting a thread on how to spot racial injustice was a bigot. Those feelings were valid. That anger was more than justified, especially when his death wasn’t.
What that time taught me is that what works for me doesn't work for everyone else, and that is okay. Especially when it comes to traumatic events. Instead of judging and making assumptions based on no evidence besides the fact of them not posting on social media, I adapted the understanding that everyone handles grief differently and not everyone has found their voice in advocacy. It is a lifelong journey to find and continue to build it.
I would be lying if I said advocating doesn’t make me a bit nervous. Part of me thinks that if I just stay quiet that puts my safety at less risk. This may seem like a paranoid thought but it is accurate.
It is my belief in God that blocks out the paranoia and guilt. It is my belief in God and that no weapon formed against me shall prosper that gives me peace. That saying kept me afloat all throughout school growing up and this still keeps me afloat when I think of my loved ones still in the education system.
Whether republican or democrat, I think we can all agree there is an issue. But what can we do?
It is easy to feel small when those put in power to protect us value money over our needs.
It is easy to feel small when my brown/black brothers and sisters may feel as though they have two threats against them: simply not being white and being a student in America.
It is easy to feel small when you take it all on your own.
I believe in a God of justice. A God bigger than all the big chaos that surrounds each and every one of us. This gives me the courage to depend on my loved ones and community to act in truth.
Matthew 17:20
…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move…
I will not denounce how big of a mountain gun reform is in America. I also will not sit still and act as if doing nothing is better than something. As long as each of us continues to educate ourselves and have open and honest conversations about difficult topics it will all come together to make a big change. Hope may feel lost, but we can never lose it entirely. Those lives lost to senseless gun law will not have been lost in vain.
How I help is by writing. Writing has always been a mode to communicate and connect. To tear at old and exclusive thoughts and humble me with new challenging ones. I am so blessed to live in a world where there is more than one way to help and make a change. School shootings are a sad reality that we have to face. As we come to terms with this, then we can take the next steps forward in making a positive difference.
I am trying to find an understanding like you in the midst of all this chaos.
Something I found to be extremely helpful recently is by a psychologist named Dr.Jazmine (Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themompsychologist/ ). It was a guide on age-appropriate ways to talk to kids about mass shootings. One thing she wrote before getting into the guide was “You don't need to have all the answers”. And I 100% agree. We do not need to because we simply weren’t put on this earth to know everything.
Celebrating life may feel wrong right now. And it is okay to feel that way.
Hug a friend at school. Write an appreciation card to a teacher of yours.
Attend a board of education meeting in your town and ask about the safety procedures put in place to protect students and faculty.
Refuse day in and day out to accept the masaccre that went down in Ulvade, Texas as “normal”. Commit to being anti-hate and anti-violence every single day. And on the days were you feel the heavy weight of the many America’s leaders blanat inaction to protect its citziens… know you are not alone and count on someone make you feel lighter.
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